Hello, friends! If you’re anything like me, you start your day with a cup of coffee, a pep talk in the mirror that is encouraging yet realistic about your limitations, and a scan of the day’s tech news. I have no doubt, then, that you’ve already heard about PiperChat’s recent acquisition by Hooli. While I’m not at liberty to discuss the details, I can say with certainty that we no longer have any formal business affiliation with PiperChat. Good thing I hadn’t ordered those logo beanies yet!

On a different note, I sometimes like to use this forum to muse on various topics in technology. Take, apropos of nothing, terms of service. We all love to read them, of course, delighting in the voices of our favorite authors. (Myself, I’m a fan of the quiet wit of the Spotify TOS.) But they’re more than pleasant bedtime reading; they’re essential to the legal protection of any startup. So take note, fellow entrepreneurs, and add those terms of service. Without them, you may be doomed to hear the endless click of the Agree button like a tortuous telltale heart, echoing against the uninsulated walls of a ranch house’s garage.

Anyway, just some food for thought! And speaking of, one last tip from Jared Dunn to you: should you ever find your clothing covered in sick, try baking soda and lemon juice! It will loosen the stain and weaken the odor.

Thanks for reading!

Well, it has been a season of change here at Astroport. As Sylvia would often say when another couple passed over me for adoption, “When God closes a door, he opens a window.” I finally understand that Sylvia meant something more than a tip to escape through the opening in the attic. The door of my service to Astroport has ended, but the window of PiperChat has opened! Indeed, many PiperChat windows have opened, because our video chat platform has a remarkable hosting capability for multiple simultaneous users. Check it out!

Yes, readers, our pivot to video chat has become a full-blown sprint: we are gaining users by the day, our technology is superior to any other conference platform on the market, and we’ve named Dinesh Chugtai our new CEO. The next stop on this journey is funding. Our brush with fraud — Oh, Jared, did you not think that sin would stain? — has hindered us, to be sure, but we remain undeterred!

Amid the giddy thrill of this new chapter, we must take a moment to honor Richard Hendricks, who has parted ways with PiperChat. He may no longer be our CEO, but he will always be our Founder and our friend. Few captains are so brave as to shed their crew, guided only by the stars and a whiteboard. But you are on your own journey now, Richard, like Julia Roberts in Eat Pray Love. You have left the painful past of the platform behind you and are bravely entering a new chapter of spiritual growth and technological adventure.

As for me, I’m off to make Dinesh a cup of tea and work on our burn-down chart!

Here we see Richard and myself, accepting the heavy judgment of Raviga for the sin of click-farming, a sin that began with me. So when shortly after this was taken I sustained a head injury, my first thought was: This is so, so much less than I deserve. My second thought was: I require medical attention.

So it seems we are now fully a-pivot to video-conferencing! What a long gavotte this Astroport has capered, from Richard’s original music app. Yet, there are certain fixed stars that remain constant, that we may navigate by, constants like: Jian Yang, though an exceptional programmer, does not fully grasp the concept of the “prank call.”

Where to begin? Lewis Carroll famously said, “Begin at the beginning, go on to the end, and then stop.” But that is hard advice to follow when one’s head is spinning, when one knows not if he (or she!) is coming or going, as I am hard pressed to say myself. And, of course, when the speaker had extremely problematic relationships with female minors, as did Carroll. (Yes, it was “another time,” but still.)

First off, I could begin by writing that it seems we are now…a video-chat company, on the order of Skype! Since our broad-based platform proved too intricate for a mass audience, we have pivoted to a new product, a crystal-clear communication app Dinesh hacked together with Richard’s algorithm and the peer-to-peer network our ex-employee Carla coded in embryonic form, and Gilfoyle built out.

Secondly, we have been purchased by Bachmanity, Erlich and Big Head’s joint venture! Although a vigorous discussion of revising the cap table is now underway—believe you me—great thanksgiving should be made to Erlich and Big Head for this acquisition. Because, the bid they beat belonged to none other than Gavin Belson, who no doubt would have folded Astroport’s IP into an update of HooliOffice or something, and in this way all we worked for would have been lost.

What lies ahead for Astroport? Who can say? But I, for one, cannot wait to find out!

The PP team watches as we cross half a million downloads of the platform! Though the celebration proved premature, I shall always cherish this evening at Laurie’s peculiar, modernist home, whose geometry seemed oddly non-Euclidean.

Not much to report this week, dear readers! Everything is perfectly fine. I don’t have a single complaint. We’ve put together a great team, built a wonderful product, launched it to some fanfare and the rest? Well, that lies to the judgment of history. You see, in the grand scheme of things, some products fail, others succeed, and although Astroport’s blazing speed and hyper-functionality do seem overwhelmingly likely to win us millions of Daily Active Users, far more than enough to start monetizing premium services and reaping rich rewards thereby…ultimately only time will tell. But I’m not worried. The signs are all good. No, great!

But the important thing is, not whether a given product becomes the market standard or a laughingstock. But rather, how we conduct ourselves regardless of success or crushing, demoralizing, abject failure; and in the event of the latter, how we dig ourselves out of the grave of black despair and move on with some shattered, rickety semblance of our former lives. While, of course, trying to be haunted as little as possible by what might have been, if things had gone differently. None of which, of course, remotely applies to us.

Because, as previously stated, everything is great! Well, onwards and upwards!

Richard Hendricks is a good man. A brilliant, hardworking gentleman of the old school. And so if certain liberties were taken to ease the passing of his beloved Astroport from this world—much as one gives an old cat one last fish-head before the shovel comes down—well, then, on MY head and none other heap your opprobrium. Heap it high!

“And his name that sat on him was Erlich, and Profligacy followed with him!” (With apologies to Revelation 6:8.)

Sadly, Erlich’s Bachmanity boondoggle has led to his being unceremoniously bucked off the Astroport unicorn, stock-and-Board-seat-wise. (Chin up, Erlich—head of PR makes a lovely consolation prize!)

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Astroport Taps Erlich Bachman for SVP Public Relations/Chief Evangelism Officer Position

Palo Alto, California—To manage its increasing media profile caused by its rapid growth, pioneering compression firm Astroport today announced it has hired veteran Valley entrepreneur Erlich Bachman to head up its public relations department, according to Erlich Bachman, Astroport’s SVP Public Relations.

Bachman, in his 30s but appearing years younger, launched Astroport at his Palo Alto incubator and was its first investor. He is no longer an investor; this might conceivably constitute a conflict of interest. No causality should be inferred from the proximity of the previous sentence’s two clauses.

“In the age of digital media, it is more important than ever to have a steady hand at the tiller when navigating the oft-treacherous waters of the press and public opinion,” said Bachman, rolling emails al fresco at his Newell Street hub of operations.. “As the compression space becomes more frothy, I intend to make sure everyone remembers who whipped up that froth: us.”

Successfully luring Mr. Bachman into Astroport’s employ, given the great demand for his services, is widely regarded as a coup, a second feather in Astroport’s cap, and a sign that the company’s well-documented stumbles are a thing of the past.

Erlich Bachman graduated from Hampshire College with honor.

Contact:
Erlich Bachman
Astroport
Newell Road
Palo Alto, CA 94303
These United States
astroport.com