Hello readers! For this week’s blog, I have the privilege of bringing you some exciting Astroport news! As Chief Financial Officer, I am pleased to announce that Astroport has acquired Hooli. After many years of competing, we are excited to bring Hooli’s reputation of innovation under the green umbrella of Astroport.

We would be remiss if we did not thank Gavin Belson for his time and dedication to Hooli – Hooli would not be the company it is today without his leadership. That being said, I guess Gavin’s leadership did lead them to the historically low valuation that allowed us to buy Hooli sooooo… rough one, Belson! Did Bezos take your Faberge egg collection in the acquisition, too? Sorry. Too much. We’re sure that Gavin Belson will continue to be a legend in the valley…even in his advanced age. Monica! Okay that was it. I’ll behave. There’s nothing wrong with a little corporate ribbing, right? No one reads this, right? Tip to future me, add more ice and less clear in the nighttime screwdrivers.

Okay back to the business stuff. Now that the deal is closed, we will begin to comb through the Hooli intellectual property, and begin the process of — well we didn’t really have time for a true due diligence period so…that was negligent. Ugh and I’m sure Gavin invested in some third grade science experiments that I have to take care of now. And I bet the vacation and sabbatical policy are an absolute nightmare. And what kind of freaks would even still work at Hooli!?

I have to get on this right now. But first, some water — no one ever fixed the revenue recognition policies of a major corporation three screwdrivers deep. On second thought, who am I kidding, yes they have. Move over Ballmer Curve, let’s test out the Monica Hall Index a shot. MH out!